AND THEN

ALL THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE
NOT A SOUND WAS MADE
UNTIL

IT WAS FUCKING CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKERS

HERE IS MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

Edward was upset. Not reguraly upset but like really upset. Bella no longer loved him. That like made him sad and stuff. But it was okay because Edward had found a homosexual relationship in Jack Black (Short for Jacob Black). Bella had left him for this really cool quantum scientist dude who came through a portal someday. Edward had swore revenge.

"honey come back to bed" Said Jack Black.

"I'm thinking" said Edward

"Sometimes I think you only want revnge because you love bella more than me" jack black continued saying.

"that's not true babe, you're all I need in life now."

"Nuh-uh. You still like girls. You cant be gay if you like girls." Jack black said with sad.

"but-but, I am gay honey, I swear." Edward proclaimed

"we've been together for 3 months and you won't even look at me naked. I don't think you love me sweetie.

Edward sighed

PART 1: Gordon Freeman is Fucking Cool

Gordon Freeman stormed into the vampire citadel of Italy on his trusty motorcycle which he made from scrap heaps and stuck together with Mighty Puttytm. He was armed to the balls with all kinds of fantastic guns, and of course, his super duper gravity ray gun!

The vampires had no chance, Gordon Freeman totally kicked their ass and they stood no chance. They couldn't do that pussy glitter thing anymore, cuz they were pretty friggin dead.

Gordon had come to this world to eliminate all these retarded ass vampires. He had once been to a dimension where vampires were actually cool, and stuff. Like, there was this guy named Dracula and he killed a lot of peoples and had sex with lots of chicks and impaled people with sticks (which Gordon was sure was representative of his gargantuan and masculine penis.)

PART 2: Eddie Hears the News

Edward was in his dining room, not eating anything cuz he's a vampire, when he heard the news. It came flashing on the vampire TV in seconds.

"Our vampire citadel was immolated! Quickly, run fast, quickl!"

Edward knew it was cool quantum scientist guy, and knew had to be done.

He gathered up all his weapons (which were nothing but teddy bears and warm milk) and went to encounter the man who had stolen the love of his wife.

He was furious, but the instinct could not show because he's a giant pussy.

"Honey, now you're going to save bella! I knew you didn't love me!" said jack black

To prove it, Eddward gave him a big ol' gay smooch that made the gods cry out in complete shame. It was a wet sloppy kiss that totally made every straight guy flaccid. And Edward totally loved it.

PART 3: Gordon Fucks Bella

Gordon stood proud in his boxers, with his towering mammoth of a penis fully erect before him. Bella stood in total awe, it was the most beautiful penis she ever saw. She knew right away that she would have to get complete naked and insert it into her wet and pulsating pussy. Gordon grabbed and her tits and commencing licking while she moaned in pleasure.

Then, another girl popped out. She was super hot, with blonde hair and massive boobs. Gordon grinned wide and put on his cool ass aviator sunglasses. Oh yeah, he was gonna have a thee-way.

PART 4: Failure

Edward broke in to stop Gordon from sexing Bella but it was too late. He seen Bella covered in an immense pool of sperm, and with torrential downfall of it still pouring on her. Edward cried like a little girl and glittered some more.

They commenced to battle.

Edward threw the teddy bears and warm milk at Gordon, which he dodged with ease. Then Gordon pulled out his crowbar, and grinned wide again, because he knew that would be all he needed to defeat him. He hit Edward with the crowbar, really softly for the first time, as he didn't want to hurt him right away, he had mercy, Edward cried really really loud and started sobbing.

So, to shut him up, Gordon smashed his face in with the crowbar, like seriously hard, to the point where Edward wasn't even recognizable anymore.

THE END

WASN'T THAT JUST FUCKING AMAZING

TODAY'S KAWAII MOMENT COMES FROM RIZON #BLUHBLUH

<Plegathon> I gave my little cousin a snow white doll for christmas and it made her really happy
<Plegathon> and later I was playing red dead and she just sat in front of the tv until she fell asleep

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA